Mr Monks Ship Hits The Fan
by Miss Ann Peek
Summary: Stories to appeal to Monk shippers. All in good fun folks. Added chapter 11!
1. Chapter 1

Mr Monk and the Shipper

by Ann Peek

(A/N - What the heck. Obligatory nonsense about not owning the characters on Monk. Hope y'all enjoy.)

Natalie Teeger was exhausted as she put Mr. Monk to bed. The case had been especially trying as every one of the 13 victims were either engaged, married, or had young children, so Natalie had emoted herself ragged over the duration of the case. And Mr. Monk had been especially needful of the special attention only she could give him. A hand on the arm, a pat on the back, a wipe, and of course making sure his food was well separated for him. She also cut his meats into perfect cubes, but that was a freebee, since Monk could do that for himself. She even had the idea to tie a bib around his neck so his clothing would not get stained. She almost suggested a bonnet, but figured Monk wouldn't go for that. When she said, "Goodnight, Mr. Monk," she had a special feeling of warmth and quaintness all about her. This was so special she had to express it to her friend Randy Disher.

She called him to her house, so that they could have a drink and talk. They had grown close, as well, over the years. They had a friendly and playful relationship, and Randy seemed to come through for her in a special way that Mr. Monk never could, because of germs and stuff, and although Natalie would like to be romantic towards Monk, she could only imagine him freaking out like he did in the lady parts exhibition when she first met him. And she was sure that, with him being kinda old and a little wrinkly, she might get a little heebie-jeebie-ish herself. But Natalie and Randy understood each other and tried to help each other whenever they could. After they talked for a little while, Natalie said, "I am having these special feelings about Mr. Monk. I'm so happy! But I'm not sure how to deal with them. I've even asked Mr Monk to talk to Julie about what she would do if she had special feelings, and I was kinda disappointed when he didn't say "Go for it, kid!" because I wanna go for it, and he seemed to want to wait for Trudy."

Randy smiled and said, "Cool, do you wanna make out?"

And Natalie said, "Of course. Why else do you think I asked you to come over?" So they made out. There was kissing AND touching, it was as hot as a PG-13 movie. And it was cool for both of them.

"You are such a special friend, Randy. Thank you for coming over."

And Randy said, "No problem. Call me if you have any more feelings you wanna share."

And Natalie said, "Of course."

Natalie and Randy said goodnight, and Natalie went online to blog the whole thing on www.monk.. As she was bogging, Julie came downstairs, a little groggy from the Children's Tylenol Natalie gave to her before bed. "Mom, I heard some noises." Julie stated, groggily.

"Oh, that was Lt. Disher." Natalie told her daughter. "We were just making out."

"Does that mean I'll have 2 daddies?" Julie asked.

"Three if I can get the Captain to come over tonight." Natalie smiled.

"SCORE!" Julie yawned.

The End...Or is it?


	2. Chapter 2

by ann peek

A/N This is totally written for lolz and lmfao's. So, repeat to yourself : "it's just a show, I should really just relax." Also, despite the rumors floating around the net, I do not own "them" although I have a Randy Disher clone in my freezer awaiting the Day of Voova. Let the fun begin.

Totally Different from the previous story, yet with the same bent...let there be story "Chapter Two" style.

tain Stottlemeyer and Lt Disher were at the crime-scene, taking down notes on a heinous crime that occurred in their jurisdiction. "Have you noticed, Randy?"

Randy took a close look at the maimed victim and asked, "Noticed what?"

"How Monk has been looking at Natalie lately." The Captain replied, as he watched Monk and Natalie across the room. Monk was wiping his hands in disgust and Natalie was talking on her cell phone.

"Uh..." Randy flipped through his notebook. "Well..."

"If you haven't noticed, Randy, you can just say so."

"Well, Captain, I haven't really noticed any particular way that Monk has been looking at Natalie." Randy admitted.

"I have." The Captain sighed. "He's in love with her. I've seen him look at Trudy that way. It's the look of love."

"Really? That's so cool!!" Randy giggled like a little girl at the thought of Monk and Natalie getting married one day.

Monk and Natalie approached them. Natalie was still on the phone, as Monk handed her the wipe he had been using. "Oh, excuse me Danny," she said before taking the soiled wipe from Monk and putting it into a baggie in her purse. "Okay, I'm back" she said as she wandered away from the group.

"All right, Monk,"the Captain, started, " you can give us the details now,"

Monk took a pen from his pocket and lifted a paper from the floor, "Well, the victim.."

"Not about that, Monk" The Captain fumed. "About Natalie."

"Natalie?" Monk asked, quizzically.

"Yeah." Randy wriggled his eyebrows and made kissy lips and said "You're in loooooove with Natalie."

Monk looked at both of them like they were retarded and shook his head. "No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are Monk." The Captain insisted. "It''s clear to anyone who has seen you two together. The little looks. The touches. The way you show a fatherly concern for Julie. "

"When did this happen?" Monk asked.

"Uh, when you asked how Julie was...that time. C'mon Monk. It's obvious!!"

"It is? Randy, did you notice?" Monk asked, concerned.

"Well, the Captain had to tell me, and even now I'm skeptical, but I guess it's...uh. I guess I quit!!" Randy threw down his little notebook and walked out of the room calling his high school buddies to start a rock band again.

"Well, trust me, Monk." the Captain insited. "I know love when I see it."

"YES!!" Natalie squealed. "I FINALLY GOT A DATE WITH DANNY!! Somebody pinch me. I'm gonna get ready for the date. Will you take Mr. Monk home for me? Thanks. You're sweet." She kissed Monk on the cheek, and wiped it off, and kissed the Captain squarely on the moustache.

They watched Natlalie as she walked down the driveway of the big house. She caught up to Randy, dipped him and kissed him on the mouth as well, letting him drop, to the ground, stunned."

Monk went back to the victim with his pen. "The victim was..."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Do not own, but oh so fun to play with! Dance puppets!!

MR MONK and the CRYBABIES

by Ann Peek

ONE - "Lt. Crybaby"

"Maybe her son did it?" Randy suggested.

"Her son?" The Captain sneered in derision as he cocked his head, and snickered to Monk. "Her son in Maine? Is that the son you're talking about? That's the stupidest theory I've ever heard."

Randy averted his eyes as they began to tear up. His lower lip wobbled. He turned away and walked a few paces away so the Captain wouldn't actually witness the sobbing. He sobbed and sobbed into the crook of his arm. He'd never felt so terrible in his whole life. Not when his girlfriend broke up with him. Not even when his puppy was run over by his mom, accidentally. Where was the Paxil when he needed it?

Natalie glared at Stottlemeyer before going to her friend to tell him that it'd be okay, and let him cry on her shoulder.

TWO - "Detective Wah"

Monk spied Natalie, whom he was semi-secretly in love with, and Lt. Disher in a corner of the crime house and his heart nearly broke when he saw that his 'girlfriend' was giving the lieutenant a hug. He felt betrayed as the emotions welled up within him. He felt nearly as bad as when he'd heard the news of Trudy's death. It was pretty close, actually, but the Natalie hugging betrayal beat the Trudy death thing by a gnats wing. He wiped at his eyes as his tears threatened to spill over chocolate brown eyes and suddenly he ran away, like a girl, to the nearest sanitary restroom to compose himself.

"Monk!" The Captain called after him. "Monk comeback here!! Let me comfort you..."

THREE - "Captain Boo Hoo Hoo"

Natalie sneered her way back to the Captain with a tear-stained runny-nosed Lieutenant Disher in tow. "I hope you're happy with yourself, Captain!" Natalie sneered. "What an awful thing you said to Randy"

The Captain just stood and took it when Natalie berated him for being mean spirited, a bad husband and father and probably bad in the sack as well.

When it was over a single tear trickled down his proud face.

FOUR - "Tearful Teeger"

"Well, I may have made Randy cry but you made Monk cry so I hope you are happy with yourelf, you nasty lady. "

At this Natalie exploded with tears and ran out of the house, running into walls and tripping over the sidewalk, and tumbling over a picket fence and crying out "Not Mr Monk...Nooooooooooooo!!"

Epilogue:

Everyone was okay in the end. The Captain and Randy made it up a few seconds after the Captain offered Randy a Kleenex to wipe his eyes and nose (ugh), Monk was found the next morning, cleaning his apartment with a (new) toothbrush and a bucket of water, and Natalie was found three days later in a bar in Portland with a sailor on each arm, but she did come back to work for Monk and lived happily ever after.


	4. Chapter 5

A/N A "what if" story. Here, on this blank page, I ponder - what if Monk and Natalie are celebrating their anniversary with their friends.

Obligatory: I don't own them, crap. Ima just have fun.

Mr. Monk Ten Years Later

by Ann Peek

We are one of the lucky friends of Adrian and Natalie Monk who in 2020 celebrated their anniversary. We are seeing the 'premiere' of the video of this celebration. We were sent a copy of the video since, because of a family emergency, we were unable to attend. The celebration took place in the Monk/Teeger home. Some jerk with a camera filmed people who wanted to wish the couple a happy anniversary. As the night went on the toasts went something like this:

Monk and Natalie are sitting at the table together and the camera rolls. They look lovingly at one another

Monk: Natalie, I love you with my whole heart and soul. You are truely the one who saved me from myself. I can barely even remember what's her name who I used to be married to. I love you so. You had so much patience and so many wipes...You made me the man I am today. I love you. (He leans in to kiss her but stops just short of actual contact. The camera zooms in to reaveal this - although no one at the party realized this was happening. It's been going on for years.)

Jump cut to a scene where Adrian keep saying 'wipe' over and over again.

Natalie raised her glass to Monk and said: Oh, Mr. Monk, I am so happy to be married to you these ten years. And Mitch, with his hot body and sexiness hardly ever crosses my mind any more. Especially when we are holding hands late into the night. I love you so much, Mit...er, Mr. Monk.

Jump cut to a candid moment where Natalie says: Where did the years go? I was so pretty. Where did they go?

Julie Teeger is at the bar with a girlfriend, they are chatting together when the jerk with the camera approached them.

Julie Teeger raised her glass and said: I am so happy to celebrate with you mom and Mr. Monk. I know that I will always love my dad, who I never ask about or really even think about anymore, but I'm glad that you were there to give me advise about not doing it till I met my Trudy...and I know that Trudy Cruise is also glad that you gave me that advise. (Julie and Trudy lifts her their blouses, girls gone wild style and then makes out)

Ambrose Monk sent his greeting over the Internet. It was spliced in later by the jerk with the camera.

Ambrose, over the internet's web-cam, raises a glass to the happy couple. He's a little tipsy as he says: You just had to do it, didn't you, Adrian. You had to one-up me in the only way you could. You had to steal the only woman I ever loved. If I could get out of this (deleted) house, I'd kick the (deleted) out of you, you (deleted) son of a (deleted) (deleted). Harold Krenshaw comes on the screen, pours some whisky into Ambroses champagne glass and then points and laughs at Monk. Go to hell, Monk!! scrolls across the bottom of the video screen.

Jump cut to: Girls Gone wild-ish scene with Natalie showing her underpants.

Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher are sitting at a table when the jerk with the camera arrives. Leland is sitting with his face cradled in his arms at the table. He's had too much to drink and is just trying to 'rest his eyes'. Randy is trying to make music with the water glasses at the table. When Randy noticed the camera jerk, he nudges Stottlemeyer.

Leland: Monk. I couldn't believe it when you got married. I thought it was a mistake because, basically all marriages are mistakes and all women are emasculating harpies who just want to suck you dry..but I guess you made it. Ten years. Way to go, buddy. Way to (deleted) go.

Jump cut to: Girls Gone Wild Scene of Randy Droppin' Trou and Shakin' His Money-Maker.

Randy is also a little tipsy: I was gonna sing a song I wrote for you, but somebody hid my(deleted) guitar, and lyrics. But it was about Monk and Natalie being in love and 'doin' it all night long, yeah!' Since I can't sing it, I'll just have to say, that you're both lucky to have each other. That's what Tracy says, anyway, because, jeez, who else would take you. Right Tracy?

Tracy Disher: Shut up, Randy, or I'm cutting you off.

Randy: Whoopty doo. I got the internet and a spare bedroom. I don't need you.

Jump cut to Tracy Disher pole dancing in her underwear, ala G.G.W.

Kevin Dorfman raised his glass: Let me tell you about the first time I met Adrian and Natalie: Well, First I'd have to tell you about the first time I met Adrian, because I've known him a lot longer than Natalie, and we actually had 765 seperate incidents of interaction before I ever met Natalie.Wait...764 incidents. The first time...(This goes on for hours, folks, and it doesn't ever get any better.)

Willie Nelson comes out of a smoke filled bathroom. He stops, looking shocked to see a camera. The camera goes off and then comes back on. More smoke - lots of it. "Happy birthday, man!!" Willie Nelson says, and everyone laughs.

The camera approaches Varla who is eating some of the nibbles from the table. She sees the camera and says: Oh, Happy Anniversary Monk and Nelly. Someone married him? Really...Hey, my eyes are up here!"

Cut to Varla touchin her hinder like it's hot and then blowing on her finger. "Hot Stuff, yeah!"

Monk and Natalie's table again. Natalie is posing flirtatiously for the camera throughout.

Monk: A telegram just came from Sharona and Benjy. Happy Anniversary Adrian and, uh, Usurper.She called me Adrian. (Monk smiles) It goes on...When I quit my job you still owed me for two weeks work. Please send a check as...oh, I guess that's private. Oh, and a telegram from a D. Beiderbeck...

Natalie snatches that one away: We won't read this one.

At the end of the video, Trudy Monk's 'ghost' comes on screen. She is lovely and sad. "Adrian"...then her face melts off and she wails "How dare you forget about me. You'll pay, Adrian Monk. You'll pay, dearly!!"

Verily I say to you, it has ended.


	5. Chapter 4

A/N Some more Monkish Humor

A/N Some more Monkish Humor. And why not, it's all in good fun. The usual: I don't own them and am not being paid to write this Monk, uh. thingy...Will that hold up in a court of law?

Mr Monk and the Catfight - featuring Special Guest...SHARONA FLEMING!!

by Ann Peek

"The Gang" (a term used by the Monk writing team and appropriated by Monk fans to denote a scene in which all of the main characters (A. Monk, N. Teeger, L. Stottlemeyer and R. Disher) appear in a scene together.)) were talking about the latest mystery that Monk has been invited to investigate. The husband was dead. The wife was the suspect, but she was on a cruise ship to Bermuda. The Disher theory had something to do with the ability to time travel in the Bermuda Triangle, and Monk thought she was the guy. He had a more plausible theory and was just about to name the who, what, where, why, and when of the case when the clip-clop of high heels interrupted the group. "Hello, Adrian." a Jersey accented voice from behind them stated calmly. The gang all turned to see Sharona Fleming was back. She was dressed (barely) in a tank top and a too-short leather skirt and hooker boots. "Oh, Adrian, I'm back." She ran toward him and hugged him tightly.

"Sharona!" Adrian half-smiled as he realized that she was really there. Sharona was back.

"Uh, excuse me, white trash, but I'm here now, so why don't you just take off like you did before?" Tough as nails Natalie Teeger sneered. "He doesn't need you. He's got me."

"Well, I'm back and I'll tell you that he needs a hot nurse, and not some boyish sidekick."

"Excuse me," Natalie fumed, "I am not boyish. I've got these." she said, pointing at her lovely lady lumps.

"Excuse yourself, Troll Doll, I've got these," Sharona said, pointing at her so-ample-they're-almost-falling-out cleavege

"They're probably fake." Natalie laughed.

Some of the spectators said."Ooooh.".

"Oh, excuse me, but these are real." Sharona informed her, rudely, "Unlike your hair color."

One of the spectators yelled, "BURN!!"

"Keep it up, free clinic, and you'll have to deal with these,." Natalie stated, putting up her dukes.

"I could take you in a second, missy."

"Is that a promise or a threat?" Natalie said before spitting in her face.

"Promise this!" Sharona said, waving the bad finger at Natalie.

"All right, that's it!!" Natalie said as she launched herself at Sharona, grabbing a handful of curls and pulling as hard as she could.

That didn't do much, however to dissuade Sharona from raking her nails across Natalie's face. "Take that, princess."

Monk was horrified, but the Captain and Randy were kind of enjoying it. "Fifty bucks says Natalie wins," the Captain said to Randy out of the corner of his mouth.

"You're on." Randy agreed, as a wicked smile played across his face. He was trying to remember the scene for one of his lonely nights at home. "Oh, yeah, you are on."

For about ten minutes it was a knock down drag out. The language was unprintable, and there was lots of blood. Clumps of hair from both combatants was torn from the scalp and flung across the crime scene (the killer was later acquitted as the crime scene was badly tainted during the set-to) They grappled together on the living room carpet only inches from the body. Clothing was torn from bodies, teeth were knocked clean out, and makeup was smeared when the ultimate Monk assistant emerged, a little punch-drunk, and needing 4 stitches, but still, victorious.

The Captain handed Randy 50 dollars as Sharona stepped over Natalie's unconscious form to stand at Adrian Monks side. The old team was reunited and new memories were about to be made as they left in search of some new case to crack.

Some of the spectators stayed to revive Natalie as others wandered away after the gang had left, and one of the witnesses stole her purse.

A/N I could have easily had Natalie win, but I thought I'd throw the poor Sharona fans a bone, as Bitty hasn't been seen much since she left the show.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Wow. Two in one day!! Please enjoy some great Monk/Natalie hotness. I don't own them but I do control them on this blank screen. Oh, yeah. Love it? Hate it? - Please review. (I need you to rate me!!)

Kissage

An excerpt from the diary of NT

transcribed by Ann Peek

The emotion was so raw that night. I couldn't believe that he was alive so I had to run and meet him. I had to show him with all my womanly ways just how much I loved him, and so I dropped everything to meet him.

When I first saw him standing there, he was so sexy. He was wearing a baseball cap that was turned backwards and his muscles rippled as he picked up a huge can of something. The can of something couldn't conceal his manliness. Oh, no. Suddenly I felt a feeling I have only really felt for my deceased husband, Mitch, but it was for him. I felt it all over. Especially in my lady parts.

I came to him and held up a wipe, but he didn't want or need it. See what I mean? He was all man. I wanted him then and there. At that moment I flung myself at him. I kissed him seductively all over his face. I was hoping that he was as hot as I was. Kiss kiss kiss kiss...(pant pant pant). I could feel his face scrunch up, as he tried to control his manliness. And he was in control, I could tell. I was as wet as the wipe and I could hardly control myself. I broke from the hot kissage to rest, but I still needed to touch that beautiful face of his, so I laved his cheek with the Wet One. It was still scrunched with such masculine power. That moment gave us both a rest before the next round of hot kissage. I couldn't control myself any more. Kiss kiss kiss.

Our hot kissage session was broken up by "the guy". If not for him, I'm sure we would have gone all the way. I hope that he will remember with fondess that special time that we had in the garage that night when I showered him with hot kisses all over his face. I need to end now, dear diary. I need a shower.

-NT


	7. Chapter 7

A/N More humor for humors sake. Keep in mind I LOVE the show known as Monk. I love all the characters and I love the relationships they have with one another. I don't own them, but with a time machine and a copyright I might one day.

Thank you to the people who have made comments on the past fanfics, please continue. If you love it or hate it, I would love to know. If my writing style irritates you, let me know. If you notice a typo that spell-check missed, please let me know. I'm doin' this for us, y'know.

The Best Day

PART I

A Monk-ish fanfic by Ann Peek

On the day of sentencing, Monk felt like a new man. The murderer of his beloved Trudy would get ten back to back life sentences. He was caught and would never be able to torment Monk again. He sat beside Natalie in her car and just took in all of the information. He beamed. He was free.

"Oh, Mr. Monk, I'm so happy for you!" Natalie said, smiling.

"Please, Natalie, call me Adrian."

"But, Mr. Monk."

"Natalie, I've wanted you to call me Adrian for some time now." He whispered, leaning close to her.

"Oh, Adria..."

PART II

Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher walked through the wreckage that was Natalie Teegers car. Monk and Natalie were no more.

"I wonder who did this," Randy cried.

"I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know. Monk was the only one who could have figured it out. It's over our heads.. "

Epilogue I

When Monk was presented at the pearly gates, he was amazed by how clean it all was. He didn't have to worry or be afraid any more. And when Trudy came out to meet him, he remembered how beautiful she was. The kiss they shared when they met was pure and passionate. They walked hand and hand through heavens gate and lived happily ever after.

In order to avoid an awkward situation, a few moments after Monk and Trudy left, Natalie, not aware that she was dead yet, called after Monk. "Adrian!! Where did you go?"

Out of the pearly gates Mitch Teeger strode, tall and handsome. "Mitch?!" She rushed to him and they kissed and embraced. It was so sweet. Shut up, Mitch and Natalie, you're screamin' at me!!"

Epilogue Pt II

Strangely enough, after the explosion that killed Monk and Natalie, no other crimes came across their desks that needed an obsessive compulsive detective. They were solved by regular detectives. But Leland and Randy did miss their friends alot. They had a beer memorial every Friday at Shooters to remember their fallen friends.

Epilogue Pt III

The real killer of Trudy died of a heart attack seconds after the explosion... He didn't enter the pearly gates. There was fire and brimstone and red hot pokers where he went.


	8. Chapter 8

a/n Alas, I do not pwn them, but oh, if I did. Insert evil laugher here.

**Mr Monk And the Visitor**

**by Ann Peek.**

It was shortly before bedtime when Adrian Monk pulled out his wifes pillow from the closet, unzipped the plastic storage bag it was contained in, and inhaled deeply from the pillow. He could still smell her and that special scent would always bring her to him. He opened his eyes and the beautiful woman sat on the edge of his bed, dressed in white and encompassed in an ethereal glow. Trudy. She had returned to him.

"Oh, Adrain, how I've missed you." She said softly, tears welling in her eyes.

"I've missed you, too, Trudy." Monk responded gently as he took her ghostly hand.

"It's been so long." Trudy whispered as she leaned in and planted a neat kiss on Adrian's waiting mouth.

After the passion of the necro-kiss, Monk pulled away.

"What is it, Adrian?" She asked quizzically. She held up her hand in front of her mouth and puffed out a breath and inhaled it, quickly. _No,_ she thought._ It isn't bad breath...as if it could be. _

"Trudy," Adrian began, timidly. "I think I need to tell you something."

"What is it, love?" She asked, tenderly.

"There's someone else."

"What?" She asked, her voice broken with pain.

"You know her, I think." Adrian confided.

"WHO IS IT, ADRIAN?" Trudy's voice boomed, heightened by the sound of thunder - which was odd, because there wasn't a storm..

"It's Natalie Teeger." Adrian admitted.

Suddenly a flash of lightning illuminated the room, and wind from out of nowhere gusted causing loose paper to swirl around the room. Trudy's hair and gown whipped in the wind. "NATALIE!" Trudy's voice was low, nearly a growl, and pure _evil_. Her eyes turned black and her image became even more pale, if that were possible.

"I thought you had given me the go-ahead with her, when I was ready, of course." Monk responded weakly. "She's so much like you."

Trudy was silent for a moment, then a single blood red tear began to stream down the white of her face. "I only gave the okay for you to _sell my office _so that the woman wouldn't have to _sell her body _to be able to afford to support herself and her kid you cheap (deleted). I did it to be charitable, not to give you permission to two-time me, you (unprintable). And second, I am Trudy Monk, your beloved wife, AND THERE IS NO ONE LIKE ME! NOT SHARONA FLEMING AND NOT NATALIE TEEGER!"

"Well, I didn't.." Adrian began, but was cut off.

"That's what I get for trying to be supportive of you. Do you KNOW what it's like to be dead? Do you have any idea? Roaming in the arid places, no friends, no relief...and no chocolate? I'm at your beck-and-call whenever you need support, advice or a little roll in the hay. It would be one thing if I could eventually meet a nice guy, settle down, and have a life, but no, I'm DEAD."

Electric bolts began to strike from Trudy's eyes, as she caused his apartment to turn against him, striking the things he cared most about. Bottles of water began to fly around the house, hitting his hanging photos and cracking the glass, knocking his knickknacks off the shelves, making them uneven. On impact the water turned into milk, and streamed down the walls of his home, which were now defiled in Monks mind. The cleaning solutions all over his apartment began to burst and pooled on his kitchen and bathroom floors turning the apartment into a death trap. His cleaning closet spontaneously combusted and there was nothing Monk could do about it.

Monk began to lose consciousness as the bleach and ammonia mixed. The last thing he heard before he passed out was "By the way, if you wanted to know who killed me, you should've asked me. I was there. I guess ... brain was on ...trampy assistants...yours, ...my ...killer was...hid...divor...ers..."

Monk woke up a couple of hours later in a totally germ free hospital. Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher had come to his place with a case they needed information on, and happened to find him unconscious in the mess, and toxic cleaning supplies and fires. Monk told them that the chemicals made him a little loopy and that he had accidentally made messes instead of cleaning them up in his altered state.

Meanwhile, back at the Teeger home, Natalie was huddled in her living room as a blond spirit stood in the center of the room griping about what a pain it was to be dead. As this was happening, she noticed her birth control pills burst into flames and her walls were bleeding. Natalie was grateful, at least, that Julie was off at Convenience Camp for the weekend.

THE END...or is it?


	9. Chapter 9

a/n this is to illustrate a shippy technique which makes the 'hero' shine while the 'competition' is tarnished - the scenarios have been exaggerated for humorous (or sinister) effect. The same scene will be used to show how the treatment is used. Well, enjoy - or don't. Your choice. But please review.

TY for the people who reviewed my last fic, and thanks for the typo spotting. I love it.

BTW, I don't own them, I think we've established that by now.

**Mr Monk and the Character Assassin **

**By Ann Peek**

**Treatment One: Mr Monk and Lt. Icky**

"Great work, Monk. I'm always glad whenever you're on the case." Captain Stottlemeyer beamed at his best friend, and Natalie gazed lovingly at her boss/secret crush.

"Yeah, Monk, good job." Lt. Disher said, as he picked his nose and ate what was on the tip of his finger. Lt Disher was pathetically unaware of the fact that his fly had been open the whole day, and that his tie had a gross mayonnaise (hopefully)stain on it, and that, quite frankly, he had been developing a body odor for a couple of weeks now. The others just glared at him as if he were sub-human scum. "What?" He asked, hopelessly out of the loop.

Natalie just looked away, gagging. The Lieutenant was so gross.

Randy sauntered over and asked, "By the way, Nat. I've been meaning to ask you for a couple of years now: do you mind if I call your daughter?"

"She's only sixteen, Randy."

"And?" he asked, scratching himself.

That statement was so disturbing that Natalie glared at him. She'd have to discuss this with Mr. Monk at some point in time to ask him what she should do about the situation.

"Randy, I need some information on Professor P.N. Stuffe," Captain Stottlemeyer called from across the room.

"All righty." Randy said, turning on his computer. he fiddled with the mouse and the keyboard before saying, "Hey, who blocked the porn sites on my computer? Fine, at least the banzai kitten site isn't blocked."

Natalie turned to Monk adoringly and said, "Oh, Mr Monk, I wish all men were like you?"

Monk didn't respond to her, as he was busy trying to scrub a stain off of Randy's desk.

**Treatment Two: Mr Monk and Lt. Brainless**

"Great work Monk. I'm always glad whenever you're on the case." Captain Stottlemeyer beamed at his best friend, and Natalie gazed lovingly at her boss/secret crush.

"Uh, duh." Lt. Disher replied, and clapped his hands, and grinned moronically. His tie was on backwards, and his shirt had been zipped into his fly. The others tried not to laugh as they looked at him in shocked amazement as they wondered how he could maintain a pulse, let alone the office of Lieutenant in the San Fransisco Police Department.

Natalie just looked away, trying not to laugh at him. He was so stupid.

Randy wandered over her, and he nearly got lost on the way. "Duh, Natalie, would you help me with my buttons?" He stuck out his torso and held his arms to his sideand gazed down at the mis-buttoned coat, so she would open it for him. Natalie just looked up to heaven and prayed that the day would be over, so that she could spend some sexy-time with Mr. Monk, sorting his socks. .

"There you go." Natalie said, as she finished.

"I like mittens." Randy answered, grinning retardedly at her.

"Randy, I need some information on Professor P.N. Stuffe," Captain Stottlemeyer called from across the room. Lt Disher just looked around until he realized that the Captain was talking to him. He scanned the room for the desk with the pretty yellow trophy on it, and then sat in the chair in front of the computer box. He looked around and pushed some buttons before calling out, "Which button makes it go?"

The Captain stalked over and nudged the mouse a little and the screen lit up.

"I think I wet myself again," Randy blurted out.

Natalie turned to Monk adoringly and said to him, "Oh, Mr Monk, why can't all men be like you?"

Monk didn't respond, but inched away from the puddle which grew from the floor around Lieutenant Dishers swivel chair.

The End.

Well, what do you think? Please review. Thanky.


	10. Chapter 10

_a/n Really, if I owned them I wouldn't be writing fanfic, would I?_

_Thanks for the reviews for the last fic. You write reviews-I write fic. It's called symbiosis. Together - we can do it._

_The fanfic was inspired on the title of a season 7 episode of Monk. The fic has no basis on the actual episodes._

_Thanks to my sparring partner at USA. She's the wind beneath my wings. (Not sure if I should name names here, but you know who you are. )_

_This fanfic was brought to you by the letters M and N, the Number 7, and the strange thoughts that come from out of the blue that won't leave me alone until I get to typing. I'd also like to thank Snoqualmie Creme Fraiche Gelato and Diet Pepsi, which staved of hunger/thirst while I was in the process of writing._

_And so, with much ado about nothing, I present:_

**Mr. Monk Moves In**

by Ann Peek

It really was easier this way. Mr. Monk couldn't stand living next to Kevin Dorfman any more. His nerdy neighbor had recently taken up nude Tai Chi. Mr. Monk just had to move - it was a matter of life or death.

Natalie was okay with it, because she felt that Kevin was developing a crush on her, and she didn't want to have to deal with the looks, the sighs, the pathetic notes, and the cash which came in the mail on a daily basis. But those things happened. Hell, everyone eventually developed a crush on her. She knew she was was cute, and it attracted people to her. Randy, Kevin, even Captain Stottlemeyer had been a little more friendly to her than normal.

She had a feeling that Mr.Monks former assistant may have been barking up her tree when she called about "Adrian" (She had the nerve to call him "Adrian"- what was that about?) repaying her for all of the lamps she'd payed for. Natalie was charming, but insistant, that although she was flattered, she was only interested in one man. Mr. Monk.

Mr. Monk was busy evening out the nicknack's as Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher carried in a sofa. Leland was wearing a tee-shirt and tight jeans, which showed off his middle-aged-dad bod. He took off the baseball cap he was wearing and wiped the sweat from his brow as Randy Disher ripped his shirt open causing buttons to fly across the room. He flung his shirt to Monk, who was trying to pick up the stray buttons, and began to pose and strut in front of Natalie.

"Yeah," Natalie said, a little stunned and embarrased. "Um, when you're finished with that, Randy, you two can pick up my things from the house and bring them here."

"When did this happen?" Leland Stottlemeyer asked as his jaw hit the floor.

"I decided that it would be easier if I just moved in. I mean, with the long, unusual hours I work, and the time we spend enjoying each others company which I'm not officially payed for, I figured that this would be a better arrangement. It would just be more convenient." Natalie answered, a conveniently loving smile on her face.

"What about Julie?" Randy smirked. "I mean, it's a two bedroom house."

"Oh, that's no problem." Natalie answered. "I dropped her off at USC Berkley with a duffel bag and a couple hundred dollars. She'll be fine."

"Is she registered for college?" Stottlemeyer asked.

"She'll be fine." Natalie repeated, her loving smile growing into a toothier, faker smile. "It will be easier this way. This way Mr. Monk and I can sort his socks without having to worry about Julie walking in on us."

"But she's only 16," Randy pointed out in an unusual flash of logic. "She's not old enough to be out on her own."

"Look, her grandparents are out of the country for a few weeks, and there were no camps who were willing to take her on short notice. I tried dance camps, drama camps. I even checked out the "special" camps. None of them could take her. SHE'LL BE FINE!!" A Stepford-like smile flashed across Natalie's pretty face. "Now, let's get started."

Monk mouthed the words 'help me" as he was being led, unwillingly, to the waiting U-Haul.

THE END. Please Review. btw, new and improved 'anonymous reviews' have now been enabled. Give it a whirl.

PS. Keep in eye out for my upcoming endeavor... "Moments". Random character interactions where two characters are drawn from a hat and given the opportunity to interact. Should start posting my first fic next week. (Leland Stottlmeyer and Natalie Teeger, in case you're interested.) I'm of two minds as to Trudy's involvement in the stories, because a Dr. K. and Trudy fic may not work. Let me know: Do you want Trudy. (I think you can email me as opposed to using this as a 'review'. )


	11. Chapter 11

_a/n I don't know...I was walking to Uwajamaya to get a little honey sesame chicken and rice when all of the sudden this concept suddenly struck me as amusing. More than amusing. I couldn't stop snickering as one line kept running through my mind. Believe it or not, it's never been shipped, so technically it doesn't belong here. But what they hey. I'll include it. _

**Mr. Monk's and the Betrayal**

by Ann Peek

Things had been a little more complicated for Mr. Monk than usual. He had a house-guest staying with him for a short time. Captain Stottlemeyer's apartment was evacuated due to a chemical spill in the area and so he was staying with Mr. Monk until everything was cleared up. Apparently they had had this arrangement before, and they hadn't killed one another, so Monk reluctantly let the Captain stay for a couple of days. Actually I believe the agreement was two days. Tops.

Mr Monk opened his door and as we walked in I could hear snoring coming from the living room. "Shh, Mr. Monk. Let's try not to wake the Captain.

We quietly made our way to the living room and we saw Captain Stottlemeyer, cuddled up with a pillow, peacefully sleeping last nights double shift. I thought that he looked so sweet, that I smiled up to Mr Monk, who turned to me with a horrified look on his face.

"No no no no no...," Mr Monk repeated.

"All you all right Mr Monk? What's the matter?" I asked, concerned for him.

"I can't believe it." He said sudden anger registering on his face."How could you do it!? Get up. Give me that, you monster."

He grabbed the pillow out from Captain Stottlemeyer's embrace, and hugged it to himself. "How could you, Leland? HOW COULD YOU?"

A still groggy Stottlemeyer, sat up and looked around. "What's the matter, Monk."

"I want you to get your things and get out now. You're no longer welcome in my home, _you animal_."

The Captain, still a little stunned asked, "Monk, what's the matter with you?"

"GET. OUT. NOW!" Mr Monk growled.

The Captain was still very confused, but quickly gathered his few possessions and left Monk's apartment. He mouthed the words "call me", before leaving.

"I can't believe it. My wife and my best friend." he sobbed into the pillow trying desperately to inhale the scent he was desperate for. "All I can smell is his scent on her. I've lost her. Forever."

"It's okay, Mr Monk, we can fix it". I was still confused about the wife/pillow thing, but I was sure it made sense to Mr. Monk.

"How can we fix it? Trudy's been defiled." He looked at me with tears welling in his soft brown eyes. "How could he do that? He was my best friend. And she's my wife."

"Mr Monk, I think that he was just using the pillow..."

"That's not helping, Natalie. He was 'just using it', only to toss it aside when he was done? Trudy's not that kind of pillow."

I didn't know how to answer that, so I just put my hand on his back in a gesture of support, until he shifted away from me. The Trudy pillow was put back into the plastic case it had been taken from. I'm not sure if it was ever used again.

END

What do you think of this one. Please review. I'm begging you. On my knees and beggin' for a review.


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